Diagnosis: Nurse Kari Makes a Healthy Career Move

Nurse Kari Hauswirth is no stranger to the bumps and bruises kids face growing up in Chicagoland.  “When I was five, my favorite game to play was Pound Puppy,” a bubbly Hauswirth explains. “I climbed into a laundry basket full of pillows at the top of the stairs and my brothers pushed me down! It was like super fun and stuff.”

Now 25, Hauswirth has gone from flying down the stairs to climbing the healthcare ladder she as leaves Northwestern’s downtown Chicago’s neonatal team to accept a position at Advocate Lutheran General as a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse. “Kids are like reading big words: they’re hard at first, but once you figure them out you learn all sorts of cool stuff about Hogwarts,” said Hauswirth.

The moves marks a triumphant return to suburban living for Hauswirth and longtime-ish boyfriend Jeremy “that skinny dude at Thanksgiving” Woj. Suburban area business have already begun planning for Hauswirth’s return by organizing a “Welcome to Surburbia Care Package” for the young couple complete with crushed velvet jogging suits, bedazzled Bluetooth headsets, those little extra frosting cups from Cinnabon, and free Alumni Club VIP passes for all your high school friends you never want to see.

“When we heard the news that Kari was moving back to the burbs, we were all like ‘ERMAHGERD Kerrrri’s berk!,’” said high school BFFL Sonia Seifi, who lives in Chicago but never misses a Medieval Times Groupon. “Then I was all like…kittens. I love kittens. Do they have kittens at Jambajuice?! OMG that would be a-maze-ing!”

Hauswirth’s parents, Sue and Dave Hauswirth of Schaumburg, reacted to the news with mixed emotions. Mrs. Hauswirth, an accountant, learned of her daughter’s job one evening while eating Good & Plenty and creeping on Facebook. “I was so happy for Kari that it took me three voicemail messages in a row to tell her…. and I told her in three messages that I left on her cell phone…. to tell her that I was happy for her…. and it’s really about her being happy…” A somewhat distracted Mrs. Hauswirth ended our interview prematurely to get back to changing the garage code and hiding the Ranch dressing.

Mr. Hauswirth had a slightly different reaction to the news. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to figure out how Dave specifically felt about his daughter’s job but we did get up to speed on Monk, learned the tricks for finding a parking spot downtown, and after five attempts still failed to accurately guess how much he paid for his iPhone case from a Dubuque outlet mall.

Brothers Eric and Kevin couldn’t be more proud of their baby sister. Eldest brother Eric applauded Kari for not being one of the “dumbass drivers that seriously have no business ever driving a car to work,” while brother Kevin somehow managed to take credit for Kari’s new job and make it all about himself.